You Are a Narcissist, Darling
by alynwa
Summary: In season two, "The Project Deephole Affair" Narcissus Darling, a THRUSH agent has mistakenly kidnapped the wrong man, thinking that he is the geologist needed to work out a problem. She is no stranger to Napoleon who tells her, "You're just as beautiful as you were four years ago in Portofino." The challenge is: What history do the two agents share?


_1961_

Napoleon sipped his espresso in a little café in the heart of Portofino. His mark was sitting five tables away reading the local newspaper as he wolfed down a jam – filled cornetto with a cup of cappuccino. He watched distastefully as the man's breakfast disappeared. _Is that how I look when I eat,_ he mused to himself, _I have to remember that when I'm on a date._ The man finished, paid for his meal and took off walking down the street.

The man from UNCLE left a few lire to cover his tab and began to saunter in the direction his target had taken. One thing he liked about this resort town was that walking was the main way to get around, so it was easy to follow someone without appearing obvious. The man he followed went to the Church of St. Martin and entered. Napoleon waited a few moments and then did the same. He paused once inside to allow his eyes to adjust to the lighting. Once he spotted who he was looking for, he dipped his fingers in the holy water, crossed himself, walked to a pew in the back of the church, genuflected and then moved into the pew and watched.

After approximately ten minutes, a woman came to sit next to the man. At first, she appeared to pray fervently. When she finished, she sat back on the seat and bowed her head while the man moved slightly closer. Napoleon observed her left arm and the man's right arm move towards each other, indicating to him that something had been given from one to the other. The two sat for a moment more and then, the man stood, moved to the aisle, knelt and crossed himself and then turned to leave.

Napoleon tucked his head as the man who had been his target walked by. His instincts were screaming at him that the woman should now be the focus of his interest and he trusted them. He watched as she continued to sit there. She had not walked past him so he deduced that she had come in another entrance. He hoped she had not noticed him as he stood to head toward the lit candles. As he lit a candle, he could see her in his peripheral vision. He was surprised to see that the woman had a compact in her hand and appeared to be checking herself out in it.

Apparently satisfied, she snapped it shut and stood to leave. Instead of exiting the way he had come, she moved to the front of the church and stepped through a door on the right side of the altar. As soon as she was out of sight, he ran out the front of the church and to his left. When he got to the corner, he could see his new target walking jauntily towards the waterfront. He quickly, but stealthily moved to intercept her. " _Ciao, Miss. Ti prego, dimmi che parli inglese. Se_ _non_ _si romperà il mio cuore._ _(_ Hello, Miss. Please tell me you speak English. It will break my heart if you do not.)" He gave her his most dazzling smile as he matched his stride to hers.

"I do speak English," she answered warily, "What can I do for you?" She looked around nervously and clutched her purse tighter to her side.

"You can tell me your name. I saw you walking and I have to admit, I'm not one to approach strange women, but you are the most beautiful woman I have seen in such a long time, I felt that if I _didn't_ speak to you, I would regret it for the rest of my life." He stepped in front of her and bowed slightly. "My name is Napoleon. Napoleon Solo." He took her extended hand and kissed the back of it. "I am very pleased to make your acquaintance, Miss…"

"Narcissus. Narcissus Darling. Tell me, Napoleon: Do people make fun of your name?"

"It's the curse of having a unique one. How did you come to be saddled with yours?"

"My mother heard the word 'narcissist' and liked the sound of it. My father's last name is Darling. It could have been worse."

"Oh? How so?"

"She could have liked the sound of 'VaGina.'"

Genuine laughter was shocked out of him. "Yes," he chuckled, "that would have been way worse! My Darling Darling, you are _delicious!_ Please let me buy you a cup of coffee."

She looked him over and liking what she saw, she nodded. "That would be nice. I have an appointment, but I'm running early, so yes, I'd love to have coffee with you."

Napoleon steered her to a sidewalk café several blocks from the one he had sat in watching his earlier target. He had gotten the feeling that Narcissus lived up to her name and he turned on his charm and complimented and flattered her at every opportunity. He was pleased to see her soaking it up like a sponge. As they sipped their second cup of coffee, he checked his watch and remarked, "I know you said you have an appointment. I don't want to be the cause of you being late, unless you are planning on meeting another man. If so, I plan to do my best to make you forget all about him." He cupped her face with his left hand and gazed hungrily into her eyes. "I am staying at the Belmond Hotel Splendido and my room overlooks the water. Would you consider…coming over to…check out the view?"

"Ah, Napoleon…"

"I have wine and a balcony," he sang to her as he moved his hand from her face to hold out to her.

"Well…in that case, I have to make a phone call."

Napoleon stood immediately and helped her from her chair. "Just a moment," he said as he reached into his jacket pocket and handed her some change. "For your call. There's a pay phone inside." He stood outside, hands in pockets, looking relaxed and content and when Narcissus reappeared, he took her arm gallantly and placed it through his and they began to stroll leisurely back to his hotel.

He was the consummate gentleman as he held open the lift door for her getting on and off and then allowing her to enter the room first after he unlocked the door. "Please, go out on the balcony and have a seat. I'll bring us drinks."

"That would be lovely, Napoleon Dear."

Moments later, he appeared next to her holding a glass of red wine in each hand and a wine bottle tucked against his body. He handed her a glass, clinked his glass against hers and they each took a drink. "Cheers," he said as he sat, "Isn't the water beautiful?" They both drank again and he thought, _She really is gorgeous. "Bella,_ why don't you and I step inside?"

She had just walked back into the living room when she began to feel unwell. Realizing too late that she had made a mistake, she tried to open her purse, but her suddenly all business looking companion removed it from her rapidly numbing fingers. "You have no idea how much I regret not being able to taste your charms, Miss Darling, but I have a feeling that whoever you called will be heading this way soon. You did tell them where you'd be, yes?"

The tranquilizer he had slipped into her wine had done its job and he caught her before she fell to the floor. Lifting her easily, he placed her on the couch and sat beside her as he rifled her bag. He placed the Derringer she had no doubt been going for into his inside jacket pocket. _Now, where would she hide a microchip?_ He played a hunch and checked her compact. He smiled when removing the mirror revealed the microchip attached to the back of it.

He ran to grab his suitcase, packed it quickly and made sure he placed the compact between his shirts. The last thing he did after removing his fingerprints from the room was to use his handkerchief to hang a _Non Disturbare_ (Do Not Disturb) sign on the outside of the door.

Sixteen hours later, Napoleon was sitting in his office with his partner. Mr. Waverly had debriefed him and relieved him of the compact containing the microchip. He had been writing his final report when Illya walked in from the labs. "Were you successful, Napoleon?" the Russian asked. He knew better than to ask _what_ the CEA's mission had been; they all operated on a "need to know" basis.

"Are you kidding? Of course I was! And I met the most beautiful THRUSH agent! Narcissus Darling's her name."

Illya rolled his eyes. "Do not tell me you seduced her. Your libido may well be the death of both of us. Or your bragging will be."

"You wound me, Partner. I'll admit, I wanted to…get to know her better, but considering her cohorts probably knew where she was and could show up at any minute, I thought it best to just complete my mission and come home."

Illya picked up his pen and began writing on his desk calendar. "I'm making a note: Napoleon put his mission over his lust. Amazing. I for one am glad you didn't make another THRUSH a bed partner. That viper Angelique is enough."

"Yes, Mother. I'll see you later."

"Are you going home now?"

"Ah, no. Didn't you just hear me say I put my mission ahead of my libido? Well, the mission's over, so guess what's first for me now? I'm heading to the secretarial pool to make a date!"

The blond agent just shook his head as the pneumatic door slid shut behind his partner. "Don't ever change, Napoleon."


End file.
